Thank You, God, for Pillows

It has been a tough several weeks lately...including having to make one of the toughest decisions in my life earlier this week (one that I absolutely did not want with one fiber of my being to make, and grieves my soul so deeply)...and including receiving some communications today that were such "salt" in the still fresh, gaping, painful wound.  Somehow, I am living this life where every day I am learning and seeing (from having my precious daughter) just how MUCH room in our hearts there is to love...to love better...to make room to love more people..., while also experiencing and living with a broken heart.  I have been inundated with "flashbacks" so much over these last several weeks - times of such joy, laughter, happiness, light-heartedness, silliness, that once was for many years...I have such trouble comprehending how so much of that can be so easily thrown away, given up, moved on from.  Sure, folks can tell me to remember those good times and hang on to them for the bad times,...but so much of those good times are now tainted by the end result...an end result that includes sad memories, times of deep hurting, loneliness...they are tainted because they were never given the opportunity to be worked through in healthy ways, to process through and grieve the disappointment and hurt that came from ways we can sin against one another, and then to work to do better and act more lovingly.  It has been some tough weeks of trying to let go of so much hope and willingness and hugely important things to me that I value and believe in.  I don't know that I've been very good at "letting go" of much, but today and tonight were some heartbroken moments of tears and heartache.  I hate so much of this path that I have to now head down - I didn't choose it, I didn't want it, I certainly never imagined it - and yet I cannot become some bitter, angry woman...I have to RIGHT NOW work on becoming the woman I want my daughter to model and respect and cherish, even though she's only a year old; I cannot suddenly, some day switch gears and change once I think she's "getting it."  I have to engrain "it" (the changes, the grace, the forgiveness, the peace, the kindness, the waiting-on-the-Lord-ness,...) into my life NOW, and then continue to develop those characteristics every day.  And part of being the woman I want to be for EJ, is being real about the pain and hurt and the hopes shattered.  I'm not ashamed of the sobbing with my precious church group tonight (thank you, you guys - you are wonderful beyond what I can explain)...I think it's all part of the journey down this path. 



And, going down this path has proved to be painful.  I do not know how people go through such difficult, life-changing, awful situations without God...without hope that the Being that created them indeed has a purpose in their life in the midst of the trials and awfulness.  I have been reminded again and again by the Lord's amazing faithfulness that even though He is holy, He is a loving father who delights in hearing from His children.  And because of that, I have poured out my heart and sorrow and grief and shock and disappointment to Him along this journey.  Do I have immediate answers about the "whys" or about what the future looks like?  No - thankfully, God's timing is not an instant-gratification like our culture is - His timing, instead, is perfect.  Always.  And, so, I share some things I have come across recently that have helped me hang on.



Psalm 61 (bold"ness" added by me):

Hear my cry, O God, give heed to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. 

Let me dwell in Your tent forever; let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

For You have heard my vows, O God, You have given me the inheritance of those who fear Your name.

You will prolong the king's life; his years will be as many generations. 

He will abide before God forever; appoint lovingkindness and truth that they may preserve him.

So I will sing praise to Your name forever, that I may pay my vows day by day.



And, some excerpts from a book I've read:

(Background: I have so often been encouraged that I have been "strong" and "courageous" and have "endured" and extended patient/grace in this situation.  I appreciate and am encouraged (!) by such admonishments from others...yet I have never felt "strong" - I have felt like I have had to persevere through this trial and for the sake of my daughter...so this passage resonated with me.)

"Part of the privilege given to thsoe of us who suffer [is that we are ordinary people that God gave the strength to when we needed it].  We have the opportunity to put the faithfulness of God on display to those around us - not because we are strong people with strong faith, but because we are weak in courage and weak in faith.  God gives us His strength in our weakness, so that everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own.  Our lives become the canvas on which God draws a picture of these words: 'My power works best in your weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)'"




"My pillow at the end of these long days is my greatest friend.  It means that enough suffering has gone on for today, and even though I know there will be new opportunities to feel sadness the next day, I have suffered enough for today."



Thank You, God, for providing an END to some painful days, and provision for rest.  Though my bed is a huge source of memories, cozy times, and days where I felt physical comfort and protection, some nights I am grateful for the quietness, the solitude, my special times with You, a break from being Mommy or employee or housekeeper...and thank You for my pillows: thank You for providing an end to the sadness and suffering of the day.